A Chat With Ned

One of the most talked-about personalities to emerge on Howard 100 and 101 since January has been Ned, a contributor to the Bubba the Love Sponge Show. Although Ned has gained a substantial following throughout the years because of his prank calls and in-your-face behavior, few of his fans know much about the man himself.

When I recently talked to Ned via telephone, he opened up on a number of topics, including how he feels about fame, how he became a part of Bubba’s show and what he thinks about the rumors that he doesn’t actually exist.

What was your childhood like?
I’m a little foggy, so I just have to clear my head. I was born in 1936 in Tampa Bay, so I’m a Florida cracker. I have one brother, but I haven’t seen him in 20 years. He ran off into the woods and was never heard from again. My parents are long gone.

Did you have a career in radio before Bubba?
No. I was working at 98 Rock, a Clear Channel station, as a janitor. I was trying to get my foot in the door, so I stalked Bubba and gave him my cassette tapes. I thought I’d be good for his show because it’s right up my alley: sick, demented, twisted, no-holds-barred. One day I slipped some of my cassettes under Bubba’s door, and he must’ve listened to them on his way home because he started playing them on the air. I did it for free for a while, but I got hired after a few months.

How did you feel when you got hired?
It was pretty cool because I always wanted to be in entertainment.

Why’s that?
Just listen to me, I’m F’ing awesome. Everyone deserves to hear me.

What is your role on Bubba’s show?
Bubba doesn’t have co-hosts or sidekick BS, so I just do on-air commentary on occasion.

When did you start making prank calls?
I’ve been doing that for 40 years. I just like to f' with people, and if I can make their lives more miserable than mine then I had a good day.

Do you have a family of your own?
I’m married with two grown children. My wife’s a good woman; been with her many, many years, 35 plus. She has throat cancer and talks with a voice box. She knows how to deal with me, she knows my mood swings and she can take a punch.

What do you mean by that?
What do you think I mean by that? If I give her a good right cross she’ll get back up and go right back to her work. She knows how to throw punches too.

What did you do with yourself between the time Clear Channel fired Bubba and his first broadcast on SIRIUS?
I got 25 acres in Lutz Land o’ Lakes in Florida. I have a little bit of a junkyard, with some tomatoes and fruit. I also grow a cash crop that people pay dearly for.

Do you want to say anything else about your cash crop?
Absolutely not.

How do you prepare for the prank calls you make?
I look in the papers and find something that looks interesting. Sometimes I make bullet points before I call, but I just wing the rest of it. I badger people and call them again and again and again until I get three-to-five good minutes. It’s a pain in the ass to gear up, so I usually have to alter my mindset and get in the proper frame of mind visa vie chemicals, alcohol, masturbation. I do all that because I may need to get up or get down or get crazy.

Do you have any favorite pranks calls?
I got so many pranks calls, I probably have a top 10 or 15. I liked my chicken-f*cking call, and the catholic town one I did recently let’s me know at the age of 69 I’m still on top of my game.

How did you pick the prank calls and song parodies that made it onto your “Ned Only” CD?
There were two or three I liked but I didn’t give an S so I just said, “Pick ‘em, Brent; pick ‘em, Bubba.”

How do you respond to people who think you’re overly confrontational?
I think I’ve been pretty good with you, haven’t I? Let’s just say I can turn it on and off.

If you could make a prank call to anyone in the world, who would it be and what would you say?
What kind of BS Barbara Walters question is that? Next thing I know you’ll ask me what kind of tree I want to be. Anyway, I’d want to prank Osama bin Laden because he’s the most notorious mother-f’er on the planet. I’d hope eventually he’d break down and invite me to a cave, then we’d eat some falafel, smoke a few ounces of opium, then I’d crack him over the head, ass rape him and then mutilate him. I think I’d be a national hero if I did that.

What do you say to people who question your very existence?
That’s a pretty deep, metaphysical question. I really don’t give an S. If you believe I’m not here and I’m a ghost (at this point Ned began moaning like a ghost), well, f*ck you and why don’t you come down here and I’ll kick your ass. (long pause) I guess I lost my train of thought, but basically I don’t give an Sh*t. But I guess Howard Stern was pointing at a ghost and acknowledging a ghost at the film festival when he saw me, right? People who don’t think I’m real are calling their hero, Howard Stern, a nut job, a crazy man. (another pause) I’m sorry I blew up. I don’t want to go too deep, but I don’t give an S. I met Ralph Cirella, I met Howard, I partied with Howard at the after party, I have CDs and CDs of material…what more can I do?

Why do you think some people believe you’re just a character?
Because I’m so f’ing awesome. People still think Elvis is alive, and look at Jim Morrison and Bruce Lee. People still think they’re down at Burger King in a circle jerk behind a dumpster. I’m larger than life and people are always going to speculate.

What was it like when you met Howard at the film festival?
I was impressed. He had a physically and mentally imposing persona. He’s a true talent and an icon. I got goose bumps and was honored to be in the same room as him. It was also an honor to have him talk to me and acknowledge my talent. If he turned around though I would’ve still clubbed him over the head and ass raped him, because how many chances would I have to do that?

How do you feel about the level of fame you’ve achieved through Bubba’s show?
I love all the attention I get. I like it when people walk up to me on the street and give me a free f’ing pizza or brake job or rental car. And if you don’t like me, I’ll be perfectly willing to get into your face because I’m confident and I love being on the show and who I am. I’ll confront anyone, even assholes who call me for 45-minute interviews.

If you weren’t on Bubba’s program, what would you be doing with your life?
I would kick back on the farm. I ain’t getting any younger, so I’d indulge in all the vices known to man. I’d like to be inebriated, high and orgasming when I die.

What advice would you give to someone out there who wants to follow in your footsteps?
Why don’t you come down to the ranch and we’ll go to a bar and I’ll take you under my wing? I’d say you have to get high, smoke peyote, beat your head against a wall, cut yourself a little, run through the woods naked, and then get a notepad and just see what comes out. That’s all there is to it.